A definite work in progress.

One thing I always heard about marriage was "It makes you realize how selfish you are."

I could see how that was possible, but I didn't really understand it. 

Today, Husband and I had a morning where we both agreed we were "Off". We weren't fighting, but we weren't BFFs, either.

For most of the morning, I was disgruntled because I assumed the tension was based on circumstances and personalities. And in a way, it was. The areas where our personalities are very different were coming to light and making things different. But more, I realized it was a heart issue for me. I am so blessed, and I was not doing well with remembering that. 

I was letting something that is quite important to me dictate my attitude: 8 hours of sleep. We didn't get home until almost 11 last night. We went right from Wedding Planning Season to Grad School Application Season (for him, not me! I am so done with school!). So last night after dinner we went to the coffee shop to use the Internet to get started on applications... he was trying to pick which schools he should apply to, and I was getting details about when apps are due.  I think I went to bed upset because I didn't get in bed until 11:30, which is 30 minutes past bed-time, and then I only got to read for 5 minutes because I was already late in sleeping. Which, all in my mind equals BIG TRAGEDY. 
And I'm learning I have to just get over it.

This morning, we were both tired because we hadn't quite gotten enough sleep. And Husband wanted to spend time hanging out and cuddling and being loving and cute. And I wanted to get up and go run, because if I'm late to go run then I'm late to have my quiet time to read my Bible and then I'm late to shower and go to work. Sleep and running and quiet time are all very important to me. Me me me.

I spent most of the morning being frustrated because it will be hard to ever get things on a good enough schedule that I have ample time for all three of these things. And even if I do, would I be willing to give them up if Husband needs to spend time with me?

Because I was missing the point. God reminded me of His love while I was praying this morning. If I am disciplined in reading my Bible, but my husband feels unloved because I scheduled him out of my busy morning, I am NOT serving God. I'm pretty sure Jesus was clear: our priority is demonstrating His love, not doing outward acts of religious piety. Not that I was reading my Bible just to look good, but I was missing an opportunity to demonstrate God's love.

And... how blessed am I? I have a husband who wants to snuggle and spend time loving me. That is so much more important than any schedule. It's more important than running, and sleep.

All of this brought me to another point. I am excited to have kids. I know we will wait a good number of years, but somewhere in my heart I want them NOW, and I feel like I'm ready. But I am so obviously not. Because I know that my kids WILL NOT CARE if I had eight hours of sleep or if I got my morning run. If I can't even sacrifice that for my love, I'm not ready to sacrifice that for my kids. I know God gives us what we need in our circumstances, but I guess He has a lot more work to do on my before I'm ready to be a Mom. I need Him to teach me how to die to myself and my need for schedule and discipline. Obviously, the things I'm trying to fit in my life are good things, and I would like to figure out how to make them work. But if I let it ruin my morning and my mood when I don't get them, then I am just selfish. It already led to problems this morning. 

Where else am I missing a chance to share God's love and enjoy His amazing blessings by having my own schedule and agenda? 

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